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Anger.

I am a naturally easy going, carefree, happy person. I always have been and I tend to let things just roll off my back. However, saying this, I bottle my anger up. I don’t deal with it as I should, and in turn I tend to have a shorter temper and sometimes I may even act on it. I’m not very good at dealing with negative emotions, simply because up until a couple years ago I really didn’t feel them. I am eighteen, and for years I faced many challenges, but never did I truly feel negative.

I have recently learned that I have some very real anger issues. More so than the average person. When I really get angry, I get physical, which is something that I have only done three times in my life. Just three, but during those times I feel like a completely different person. Ruthless. Unattached. Violent.

My first bout of violence, I blamed on the type of birth control I was on. I hated acting out as I had, so I swore off all types of medication. Especially birth control. The second time was a year ago, and my parents had been fighting. Tensions were running high, and my brother and I got in a huge fight which left me with a dislocated shoulder and him with a broken finger. The next, time I got violent was just earlier today. A couple hours ago in fact.

It was in Outback, the restaurant. Yes, I was completely in the wrong. And I shouldn’t have done what I did. I should have handled it privately not publicly, peacefully not violently.

That is why I’m writing this now. So when I look at my blog, I remember how I felt after all my anger was gone, and how I can prevent myself from not doing it in the future. I am completely wracked with guilt. I am ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty, despite others telling me I shouldn’t feel that way.

I think of all the good things that the person done for me. Every single thing. I knew in my heart how much money was spent on me. How much time. How much patience. I know it all. Now, I am usually frustrated with this particular person,but I always think of those things and I keep myself from saying anything. Well, until today that is. Now, I’m filled with guilt. Not because of what I done, though that is part of it, but because my intentions when I went after this person wasn’t to make a point. It was to hurt. It was to really hurt. And that’s the part of myself that scares me. I hate thinking like that. I hate thinking I could be that cold-hearted. Heck, I’m the person who still tries to save June Bugs from the pool, and moths from a spiders web. I’m the one that picks spiders up out of the floor and puts it outside when people want me to smack it with a book. I am not someone who tries to hurt something else.

So I am going to write what not to do, so I can remember and maybe I can help someone else know not to be like me.

1.) Don’t just ignore the problem. I think this is my biggest problem. I ignore whatever is happening and I plaster a smile on my face even when someone is trying to hurt me emotionally. I don’t just talk it out like I should.

2.) Don’t try to rationalize your emotions. I catch myself doing this a lot. I analyze every single feeling I have until I feel like it’s gone. I do it with anger, sadness, irritation, jealousy, sometimes even my own happiness. I used to think if I thought it through enough until it wasn’t there, then I wouldn’t have to bottle things up. But that’s wrong. Every single emotion I rationalize, it usually comes back to bite me in the hind end. Eighteen years of rationalization is more than likely what made me act the way I did today.

3.) Don’t bottle it up. This is probably much along the same lines as the second one, but I do this also. I bottle everything I’m feeling up. I don’t cry. I don’t get angry. I don’t do anything besides smile. Nobody ever knows what I’m feeling until the bottle fills up so much until I just can’t hold it. Like I said this has only happened three times before, and none of my friends have ever seen it happen.

Those things are really the only things that I can think of that I do. So, don’t be like me. Don’t do those three things, because it won’t be good. After I post this, I will actually be looking up techniques to better handle anger, because I am disgusted with the person I was today. I am disgusted with the thoughts that I have been having since last year. But I am through having these thoughts, and I am seeking help. If someone wants to talk about their anger issues with me, then feel free. I am in no position to judge, and I would never do that. Just try to find help before you do something that can’t be fixed.

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Lizards

FotD: A couple lizards actually have horns around or near their eyes, and when they want to they can squirt blood up to four feet away!

So, today I picked up a lizard. It was small and didn’t have any teeth, so I really was surprised when it bit me. I still have a big red mark on my thumb. (I’m pretty sure that the lizard that bit me is the type in the picture. A five-lined Skink) Anyways, that got me thinking about lizards and stuff.

They’re actually pretty cool. Some lizards have different coping mechanisms to different threats. You know, just like humans. Some run, some fight…Some bite.

So, there are many ways that these small lizards can defend themselves. Such as, squirting blood out of horns, have venom(though very few are actually graced with venom), having teeth(even if they don’t have teeth, trust me it hurts.), sometimes they change color depending on their mood or environment. And of course they can regenerate slightly.

The lizard can actually go through what is called Caudal Anatomy, and what this means is that they can literally amputate their own tail. Their tail is made so that there isn’t much blood loss or trauma to the parts surrounding the tail. This means that when you grab a lizard and its tail falls off, you probably didn’t pull it off and hurt the poor thing. It more than likely done it on purpose to get away from you. Yep, they literally cut off their own tail from their body.

However, after they amputate their tail, they also regenerate. They regenerate by sending leukocytes and making sure there isn’t very much inflammation. By doing this, their tail will regenerate and be fully functional a little more than 60 days. It may seem like a long time, but think about it. How long does it take you to grow hair from being bald to down to you shoulders. Yep, it takes a while and our hair isn’t even a limb. We can’t grow those back.

 

Outlast!

No fact of the day, but I do have big news! For the longest time I have been wanting to play Outlast, because I’ve been watching the gameplay of it, which happens to be amazing! Well, I finally broke and bought it with my graduation money!

Of course, I’ve played it since the time I woke up at like 2 or 2:30. Let me just tell you! That game is freaking awesome! I’m not the type of girl that gets really involved in games! The most I play is like the Last of Us Remastered and Call of Duty Ghosts…I would play Overwatch, but sadly my brother won’t let me “mess it up”. Anyways! I’m really big into the whole horror, scare the crap out of people type of games.

Outlast is SCARY! I’m only onto the part where I’m in the security room and hiding in a locker so the big guy that could crush my guy won’t. Really, though, there isn’t all that action which I don’t like. If I’m playing a game I want to fight and die that way, not die while running. Particularly because I run into everything. You aren’t able to fight in the game, that I’ve seen thus far, and the only thing you’re really able to do is hide, run, and videotape weird people watching a static tv. Still, I thrive on scary things! The fact that the music is creepy and their are a couple times with huge jumpscares is awesome! My heart stops for a moment, and then I feel like I have to call somebody so I won’t be alone while playing this game!

All in all, I’m in love with the game. This is a short post, but I want to get back to playing it!