I am a naturally easy going, carefree, happy person. I always have been and I tend to let things just roll off my back. However, saying this, I bottle my anger up. I don’t deal with it as I should, and in turn I tend to have a shorter temper and sometimes I may even act on it. I’m not very good at dealing with negative emotions, simply because up until a couple years ago I really didn’t feel them. I am eighteen, and for years I faced many challenges, but never did I truly feel negative.
I have recently learned that I have some very real anger issues. More so than the average person. When I really get angry, I get physical, which is something that I have only done three times in my life. Just three, but during those times I feel like a completely different person. Ruthless. Unattached. Violent.
My first bout of violence, I blamed on the type of birth control I was on. I hated acting out as I had, so I swore off all types of medication. Especially birth control. The second time was a year ago, and my parents had been fighting. Tensions were running high, and my brother and I got in a huge fight which left me with a dislocated shoulder and him with a broken finger. The next, time I got violent was just earlier today. A couple hours ago in fact.
It was in Outback, the restaurant. Yes, I was completely in the wrong. And I shouldn’t have done what I did. I should have handled it privately not publicly, peacefully not violently.
That is why I’m writing this now. So when I look at my blog, I remember how I felt after all my anger was gone, and how I can prevent myself from not doing it in the future. I am completely wracked with guilt. I am ashamed, embarrassed, and guilty, despite others telling me I shouldn’t feel that way.
I think of all the good things that the person done for me. Every single thing. I knew in my heart how much money was spent on me. How much time. How much patience. I know it all. Now, I am usually frustrated with this particular person,but I always think of those things and I keep myself from saying anything. Well, until today that is. Now, I’m filled with guilt. Not because of what I done, though that is part of it, but because my intentions when I went after this person wasn’t to make a point. It was to hurt. It was to really hurt. And that’s the part of myself that scares me. I hate thinking like that. I hate thinking I could be that cold-hearted. Heck, I’m the person who still tries to save June Bugs from the pool, and moths from a spiders web. I’m the one that picks spiders up out of the floor and puts it outside when people want me to smack it with a book. I am not someone who tries to hurt something else.
So I am going to write what not to do, so I can remember and maybe I can help someone else know not to be like me.
1.) Don’t just ignore the problem. I think this is my biggest problem. I ignore whatever is happening and I plaster a smile on my face even when someone is trying to hurt me emotionally. I don’t just talk it out like I should.
2.) Don’t try to rationalize your emotions. I catch myself doing this a lot. I analyze every single feeling I have until I feel like it’s gone. I do it with anger, sadness, irritation, jealousy, sometimes even my own happiness. I used to think if I thought it through enough until it wasn’t there, then I wouldn’t have to bottle things up. But that’s wrong. Every single emotion I rationalize, it usually comes back to bite me in the hind end. Eighteen years of rationalization is more than likely what made me act the way I did today.
3.) Don’t bottle it up. This is probably much along the same lines as the second one, but I do this also. I bottle everything I’m feeling up. I don’t cry. I don’t get angry. I don’t do anything besides smile. Nobody ever knows what I’m feeling until the bottle fills up so much until I just can’t hold it. Like I said this has only happened three times before, and none of my friends have ever seen it happen.
Those things are really the only things that I can think of that I do. So, don’t be like me. Don’t do those three things, because it won’t be good. After I post this, I will actually be looking up techniques to better handle anger, because I am disgusted with the person I was today. I am disgusted with the thoughts that I have been having since last year. But I am through having these thoughts, and I am seeking help. If someone wants to talk about their anger issues with me, then feel free. I am in no position to judge, and I would never do that. Just try to find help before you do something that can’t be fixed.